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Falling, Failing

from Malintent by Malintent

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I'm either crazy or insane. You can take your pick. I'm given good advice, but none of it ever seems to stick. Apathy and procrastination continue to make me sick. One second, I'm the nice guy, but the next, I'm just a prick. I remember two years ago. Never felt lost. Never felt alone. Sometimes sad, but never so cold. Afraid of growing up. Afraid of growing old.

Time flew by and I lost who I was. Time flew by and I lost touch with friends and family and being happy. I've developed a sick, unhealthy obsession with all my fucking worst intentions. Time flew by and I lost touch with me.

I've never been good at catching up. Well, I'm hoping I learn fast. If the world could slow down or just let up, I'm thinking I might have a chance. I remember one year ago. Never felt lost. Never felt alone. Sometimes sad, but never so cold. Afraid of growing up. Afraid of growing old. I'm trying. I'm losing. I'm falling. I'm failing.

Time flew by and I lost who I was. Time flew by and I lost touch with friends and family and being happy. I've developed a sick unhealthy obsession with all my fucking worst intentions. Time flew by and I lost touch with me. I'd rather kill myself than hear you say "no". I think my biggest fear is ending up alone. I feel like some robotic drone, programmed to not think on my own. I'm digging deep in debt with student loans to discover that I'm lonely and I miss my home, or at least what it felt like when I was young. I'd enjoy life more if it'd throw me a bone. (I stood by and watched this die. I stood by and I lost touch with me.)

Like another dead leaf that fell from the trees, my head was in the clouds. I was so content with reality. Before I knew it, I fell to the ground, slowly but surely, neither safe nor sound. Lying and waiting for the wind to come or something else to pick me up. The stress rises as my patience falls. My will to persist is growing small, as I bash my head against the wall. I'll die before I drop this ball.

(And I lost touch) with friends and family and being happy. I've developed a sick unhealthy obsession with all my fucking worst intentions. Time flew by and I lost touch with me. I'd rather kill myself than hear you say "no". I think my biggest fear is ending up alone. I feel like some robotic drone, programmed to not think on my own. I'm digging deep in debt with student loans to discover that I'm lonely and I miss my home, or at least what it felt like when I was young. I'd enjoy life more if it'd throw me a bone.

I remember two days ago. Feeling so lost. Feeling so alone. Always unhappy and always so cold. Growing up so fast. I'm growing old.

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from Malintent, released July 16, 2012

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